Silent Sunday: Inspiring Blogs written by women

Portrait of 8 Paying Rapists at Pass the Flaming Sword

On Misogyny to Young Mothers at Goddess Deeva

Sworn Sisters and Marriage Resisters at Carolyn Gage

Free Marissa Alexander at Gradient Lair

We need to talk about women by Portia Smart

Sisterhood at Feminist Ninja

Exclusive: Conservative Party Sexism is the Result of a little known condition at Bottomface

Our new lord chief justice: a barristers perspective at Week Woman

Raising boys during a crisis of masculinity: A Feminist View at Glosswatch

Delusions of Gender: Why one psychologist says there is no such thing as gender difference at Woman's Agenda

If Trayvon Martin were a woman ... by Jamila Aisha Brown

The case for the sanity of women by CherryBlossomLife at RadFemHub

Exotification: I am not your pretty little lotus flower at Media Diversity

Radical Feminism isn't for Everyone by Terri Strange

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Femen : This isn't Feminism

I have been very critical of Femen's brand of feminist activism. I supported their goals years ago when they were targeting sex traffickers and male violence, although not the methods they employ. Now, Femen seem to be after the media attention rather than supporting women. Femen have moved into colonialist discourse where in white women are the saviours of brown women. The recent protests against the burqha and Islam have been steeped in racism and the othering of women. Whilst I firmly believe that feminism has multiple constructions and that we are all on a journey but at different places on that journey, I find Femen's activism deeply troubling.

Today, I read a blog at LaLibertineSalon which claims that a Femen activist attacked a woman who works as a stripper on stage. I am really hoping this isn't true because I can not believe that anyone who labels themselves as a feminist would believe that physically attacking other women was acceptable. 

I am an abolitionist. I believe that all parts of the "sex industry" are harmful to women as a political class. I do understand the arguments about the 'sex industry' [from Hooters to lap dance clubs to prostitution] being the only industry in which women living in poverty or who are Othered can survive but I believe that is why we need to destroy the Patriarchy. Poverty and lack of choice are not acceptable reasons to commodify women's bodies. 

What the Femen activist did isn't feminist activism. Feminism is a political theory which attacks  political structures. We are critical of women's behaviour but that criticism can not descend into personal attacks, both physical and emotional. 

Feminism is about sisterhood and solidarity. It is about making the world a better place for all women. We cannot do that whilst engaged in sustained personal attacks.

I am deeply disturbed that a Femen activist would choose to storm a stage and put already vulnerable women in further danger. Women who work in the "sex industry" are more vulnerable to sexual harassment and sexual violence from men that other women. They don't need other women helping men to hurt them. They don't need other women physically attacking them.

I am thankful I read the piece at LaLibertineSalon as I had missed this story, however, I am equally disturbed by the personal attacks on Meghan Murphy and Stella Marr at the bottom of the article. The assumption that feminists who campaign against the 'sex industry' must be omniscient is harmful. This idea that Murphy and Marr must know every single thing every other feminist on the planet is doing and must write about it is ridiculous. 

It is also wrong. Mainstream feminists have written about the harm caused by Femen. Murphy has written several pieces on the subject. I have not seen anything by Marr but that's because I have not yet read every word she has ever written. I have read numerous pieces by mainstream feminists from Germaine Greer to Sara Salem. I've read criticisms in the Guardian, Al Jazeera and the CBC. If the author of LaLibertineSalon has not, well, I'm assuming it is because she isn't omniscient either. 

Feminists cannot and must not let personal attacks on other women go unchallenged, whether that is Femen engaged in deeply troubling behaviour to women sniping at other women about their brand of feminism.

We need to move out of this toxic discourse and start focussing on the real problems. 

We need to stop demanding perfection and total obedience from women. None of us are perfect. None of us have all the answers. Pretending that we do is harmful; as is demanding that every woman who self-defines as feminist must agree with everything we say or be booted out. 

We are not the Patriarchy so let's stop acting like it.

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#DickheadDetox : Asshole Lists "Flaws" He Likes in Women:

[Image from here]

Some tool, called Mark Manson, wrote a list of 7 "Flaw" he likes in women for Thought Catalogue. I am so bored of the constant articles, nearly always written by men, trying to extrapolate their personal sexual desires as the "norm". The self-indulgent, narcissistic approach to sexuality in our culture is abusive and exploitative. The idea that the orgasm of one person is more important than the safety and personal boundaries of the person they are fucking is disgusting.

I hate the privileging of male sexuality and I loathe the men who take advantage of this: like Mark Manson. Normally, I'd ignore this shite but Manson brings the "domestic violence as romance" theme to a whole new level: one where he "forgives" us our imperfections in his voyage of self-discovery [which seems to miss the whole he's an asshole bit].

The first paragraph is Manson explaining what every woman has known for a millenia as if its somehow a new and exciting theory:

I feel more and more that our culture is conditioning us to expect, no — demand a perfect romantic or sexual partner for ourselves. It’s easy to forget that finding someone you truly want to be with isn’t a matter finding someone who is perfect or flawless, but finding someone who you actually grow to love their flaws.

Clearly, Manson missed the whole medieval knights and chivalry bullshit poetry period. And, every self-help book written in the 19th and 20th century. Seriously, does he genuinely believe this is a new pet theory? I don't know if I should be laughing hysterically at this point or leaning my head on my desk and crying for our species.

Having psycho-analysed himself [and continued to miss the bit where he's an asshole], Manson dedicates the piece to "the girl of my dreams and her issues, her traumas, and her deepest flaws. And not just the faults that I can tolerate, but the faults that I can love." Well, isn't that just peachy-keen and lurvely. Just reading that makes me cream myself with excitement or vomit. One or the other. My poor ickle girlie brain just can't compute the level of romance in that statement. 

I've reproduced all "The Flaws" below as they have to be read fully to be believed. All of them are disgraceful, woman-hating twaddle with a serious side of domestic violence. They are all huge red flags. Part of me is glad Manson wrote this so that potential partners can be aware of his violent personality at the start but the other part of me is angry that anyone would publish this bullshit.

The first two flaws are the most important to read, everything after that is Manson's Ode to His Penis. The first "flaw" is Manson clearly looking for a woman to emotionally and psychologically abuse. It is an obvious indicator of a man who is controlling. The second flaw is the same indicator with Manson looking for a woman to shoulder the responsibility for everything that goes wrong in Manson's life. 

Manson belongs on the #DickheadDetox. He certainly doesn't deserve to ever have a relationship with a woman [or be a potential father to children].

The Flaws:

FLAW #1: She’s Slightly Neurotic - I’m an extremely laid-back guy. Some people may say too laid-back. But every girl I’ve developed a strong emotional connection with has told me that I have a calming effect on them. Girls who are slightly neurotic feel right to me for two reasons: for one, if there’s something I should be worrying about, but I’m not, they’ll always catch it. And secondly, when they’re worrying about something that’s unnecessary, I enjoy being able to help them relax and feel more secure about it. It’s a nice dynamic, as it makes me feel needed and they’re always appreciative.

FLAW #2: She Blames Herself Too Often - This one’s a little twisted, but I like it. It makes me feel more at ease. My biggest pet peeve in the world is people who do not take responsibility for their actions. So if a girl blames herself too often, then I never have to worry about her shirking responsibility for things going wrong. But the biggest reason is I don’t handle people blaming me or judging me well. Never have. When I feel like I’m being blamed unfairly, my tendency is to either shut down or to simply leave. Obviously, this is not a helpful tendency in a relationship. On the other hand, I’m an EXTREMELY non-judgmental person and rarely blame the person I’m with, so I’m unlikely to pile on the blame if she’s being hard on herself. On the contrary, as a recovered Nice Guy, I have a tendency to want to help my partner feel better about herself and let go of whatever is bothering her, so this gives me another opportunity to do that. Hey, I never said I didn’t have flaws either. But it seems women with this flaw complement my flaw really well and the relationship works.

FLAW #3: She’s A Work-A-Holic - I get bored easily. If I’m with a girl who doesn’t have a lot going on in her life, I get bored with her easily. I find ambition sexy. I run my own business and will often pull 14- or 16-hour workdays and I need her to understand and support that. Women who work their ass off for something just tend to be much more interesting.

FLAW #4: She’s A Risk-Taker - I need someone who thinks outside the box, who is open-minded and up for trying something crazy or stupid on a whim. My last serious girlfriend, the day we broke up, we decided to go skydiving together to commemorate it. Don’t ask me why, but it was awesome. I love taking risks and having adventures. I want a girl who if I say, “Hey, I just bought us plane tickets to Dubai tomorrow, let’s go!” she won’t hesitate to say yes. She won’t complain about work or worry about what her mother would think or whatever. She’d drop everything and go.

FLAW #5: She’s Vain - I realize this is entirely self-indulgent, but I love it when women take the time and effort to make themselves as beautiful as humanly possible. The 90 minutes in the bathroom before we go out to get dinner? I like that. I want her to look stunning. I then want to tell her that she looks stunning. I then want her to love it when I tell her that she looks stunning.

FLAW #6: She’s Pushy - Like I said earlier, I have a tendency to be too laid-back some times. And I also have a tendency to avoid commitment. As a result, some times I pull away from the person I’m seeing even if I really care about them and feel strongly about them. It’s an unconscious reaction and habit. So I need someone who won’t let me off the hook easily, because I know at some point I will try to get off the hook. Even though it annoys me at times, it’s good for the girl I’m dating to be pushy, the kind of girl who will call me three days in a row and bother me for not hanging out with her. I’ll hate it in the moment, I’ll complain that she’s needy and annoying and smothering me, blah, blah, blah — but I think in the long-run it works out better because if left to my own devices I’d let myself drift away and never come back.

FLAW #7: She Wears Her Heart On Her Sleeve - You know the stereotype of the concerned husband saying, “Honey, what’s wrong?” and she says, “Oh, nothing.” So he tries again, “No, really, what’s wrong?” and she still says “Nothing,” even though she’s obviously really pissed about something. Then eventually she blows up and acts as if he was supposed to magically know why she was pissed off the entire time and fix it. It’s a stereotype you see in movies and TV shows a lot. Yeah, I hate that. I can’t be with a girl like that. I think if that happened to me now, she’d be out the door. Anyone who reads this site knows that I’m obsessed with blunt, painful honesty. I always want to know what people are thinking and feeling and I want everyone to always know what I’m thinking and feeling. I love women who wear their hearts on their sleeve. I want them to have the opposite problem of not being able to hide their emotions even if they want to. This goes along with passion as well. Women who let their emotions just flow out of them tend to be incredibly passionate. I get weak in the knees for passionate women. It’s why I love Latin women and Eastern European women so much. Their emotions are so intense you think the world is going to crack in half some times. As a boy who came from an emotionally-stifled family in an English-speaking culture, I can’t get enough of it. 

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Facebook's Continuing War on Women: This Time Human Rights Watch is the Problem

Yesterday, Facebook blocked a page from Human Rights Watch. 

And, yes, you read that right. 

Facebook deemed a page by Human Rights Watch so hateful that it contravened their official policy on "offensive" material. You know, their policy which allows violent pornography, images of abused children and women, racism, homophobia, disablism and rape threats to remain as "free speech". 

Human Rights Watch's crime: requesting the Tunisian government grant feminist activist Amina Tyler pretrial release, as she is entitled to under the law. Amina Tyler, whose only crime was writing Femen across her bare breasts and posting the image on Facebook, has been detained since May 19th. Tyler's photo did not contravene FB's standards despite the fact that images of infants breastfeeding does. 

Human Rights Watch are a subversive group because caring that no human be tortured, imprisoned, raped or murdered for being human now contravenes Facebook standards. We have arrived at the point where "free speech" only applies to violent men. Those who campaign for the protection of vulnerable people from male violence have no legal right to free speech.

Welcome to the Patriarchy where Feminist activism is required to ensure that internationally recognised human rights organisations aren't deemed "offensive".

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Trayvon Martin

I have not blogged about this case because I couldn't. I could write a whole load of plausible excuses here why but they wouldn't be true. I haven't written because I cannot believe a child has been murdered for walking home at night in a hoodie. I don't know how to express my anger and my distress and my guilt for being white in a White Supremacy; for being responsible for perpetuating a culture which believes the life a child is worth nothing. 

I cannot write anything that doesn't sound like I'm trying to excuse myself from being held responsible.

 But, I am responsible.

We are all responsible.

I have lived with the hope that George Zimmerman would be found guilty; that the life of a child would be declared valuable in court.

I knew it was unlikely but I hoped. And, I prayed.

And, Trayvon Martin has been declared unhuman in a court of law; murdering a black teenager is now legal (as it always has been).

What worries me, as a British-Canadian citizen, is the rhetoric that this is an 'American' crime that couldn't possibly happen here.

 Do I hope that this is true?

Of course.

But, it isn't.

Black teenagers die in the UK and Canada. 

And we don't care.

A child was murdered for being the wrong colour. 

If a similar case happened in the UK/ Canada, I believe a similar verdict would occur. 

I don't want to believe this. I want to believe we lived in a post-racial society.

We don't.

And, the murder of Trayvon Martin suggests we never will.

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Silent sunday: Inspiring Blogs by Amazing Women

Celebrity and its Discontents at Trouble and Stife

On Sexism and Victim Blaming inherent in Personal Training at GoddessDeeva

When Something is Wrong with my baby, something is wrong with me at From a Whisper to a Roar

Women are not like men at Revolutionary Combustion

Hooray! Another miracle IVF advance by Karen Ingala Smith

Can Black women exist within a feminist movement dominated by white women at Black Women of Brazil

Sex with Vegetables: For the Animals at Vegan Feminist Network

The moron Owen Lloyd and what depoliticisation actually means at Femonade

Imitation, Infiltration and Invasion at RadFem Rise Up at Smash the Patriarchy

I became a mother and died to live at Renegade Mothering

On Liz Jones, Suzanne Moore and Misrepresentation of Anorexia by Glosswitch

One being heard again at One Woman's Thoughts

Bikini versus Burkha: Clothing, Women and Freedom at Gradient Lair

RadFem Rise Up 2013 at Then They Said Burn Her

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So, what exactly makes a bad father?

Much has been written online recently about a judge in Oklahoma finding a convicted child sex offender a “good enough” to award him sole custody of his 6-year-old daughter. He was allowed to move the child to the state of California, and away from her mother, despite having been convicted of sexually abusing his stepdaughter when she was 6. In Australia, a man who pled guilty to repeatedly raping and sexually assaulting his young daughter from the age of 5 was let out on a “good behaviour” bond. The only condition: he attends a residential treatment centre for men convicted of incest.[1] In Ireland, a 52-year-old man was given a suspended sentence for the conviction of the rape of a 14 year old girl. The judge ruled that jailing a convicted child rapist would cause serious hardship to his current family.[2]

Andrew Parsons was labelled a “good father” by Judge Patrick Eccles.[3] He was convicted of the brutal murder of his ex-wife Janee at the Oxford Crown court; a conviction based on the taping of the murder by Parsons himself. He stalked his ex-wife before murdering her. Parson stabbed his ex-wife Janee to death in front of their young son but, somehow, he is still a “good father”. Parsons, according to Judge Eccles, was “overwhelmed … by jealous rage” because his ex-wife ended their marriage after falling in love with another man. 

Apparently, being jealous of your ex-wife ending your relationship constitutes a mitigating circumstance that makes murder understandable. Parson’s QC David Hislop continued the victim-blaming language[4] by suggesting that Parsons was under “the most extraordinary pressure” and that Parsons “loved his wife, perhaps too much”. The clear use of victim-blaming[5] language designed to minimise Parson’s responsibility for committing murder by labelling the murder a “tragedy” rather than murder is fairly typical. Two men a week[6] in the UK murder their current or ex-partner and we minimise this behaviour with language that blames the victim. Labelling these three cases as aberrations is to wilfully ignore the structural misogyny in our culture.

Yet, these four cases bring up another question: when did we change the definition of ‘good father” to include men who murder the mother of their children in front of their children and men who are convicted of child sexual abuse? When did being a “good father” limit criminal responsibility?

I wrote an article for Father’s Day asking exactly what makes a “good father”.[7] Unsurprisingly, I received a lot of misogynistic abuse and suggestions of violence from men about my article, men angry at my suggestion that the current definition of a “good father” was so low as to be completely pointless. When the definition of a “good father” includes a man who refuses to financially support his children to men who commit domestic violence, I have to wonder what the definition of a bad father is?

What does a man have to do to be labelled a bad father? If a conviction for child rape isn’t enough, what is?

More importantly, why aren’t more men angry about this? Why aren’t more fathers writing complaint letters every time the media claims that a child rapist is a good enough father?

Why aren’t men challenging this patriarchal theory, which claims that a man is “good enough” as long as he sends a birthday card once a year? There are millions of good fathers across the world, so where are they?

The following is the list I wrote for Father’s Day which I felt was the bare minimum to be a “good father”. Why was my list controversial when labelling Andrew Parsons a “good father” isn’t?

Do 50% of the parenting. 

Do 50% of the shit work.

Get up in the middle of the night with your sick kids. 

Take the day off work when your kids are sick. 

You don't 'baby-sit' your kids. You are a parent.

You don't get rewards for acting like an adult. You shouldn't get one for being a parent. 

If you can't name your child's teacher, best friend or medication, you need to re-examine your priorities. 

If you can't name your child's favourite toy, you need to re-examine your priorities. 

If you need to be told what time your child's school starts or the names of their after-school activities, you need to re-examine your priorities. 

Pay maintenance. Not paying maintenance is child neglect. 

Show up for contact. There is nothing more important than your children. Do not cancel to attend a football match. 

Domestic violence makes you a bad father. 

Abusing your partner in front of your children is child abuse. 

Good fathers do not kill the mother of their children. 

Violent men who assault or murder their partners do not deserve contact with their children. 

Good fathers do not murder their children to punish the children's mother.

If the definition of a "good father" includes men who murder the mother of their children, what is the definition of a bad father?

[1] http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/nsw/father-who-raped-daughter-9-let-off-by-courts-on-good-behaviour-bond/story-fni0cx12-1226672815342
[2] http://www.irishtimes.com/news/crime-and-law/suspended-sentence-for-man-who-raped-wife-s-14-year-old-sister-1.1420726
[3] http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-oxfordshire-22659300
[4] http://everydayvictimblaming.com/
[5] http://everydayvictimblaming.com/submissions/andrew-parsons-wife-murderer-but-still-a-good-father/
[6] http://kareningalasmith.wordpress.com/2013/07/01/just-a-typical-week-in-june-ignoring-mens-abuse-of-woman-and-children/
[7] http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/louise-pennington/fathers-day-waste-of-time_b_3426832.html

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