#DickheadDetox: Nicholas Cage

Nicholas Cage, noted arsenugget, has a serial history of domestic violence.  His only arrest, as far as I'm aware, happened in 2011 but the charges were dropped 3 weeks later. Christina Fulton, the mother of Cage's eldest son Weston, sued the actor in 2009 for financial compensation over a house. The lawsuit alleged emotional abuse during the relationship.

Cage has been sued numerous times for all sorts of shit, not to mention the pesky issue of not paying his taxes. In return, he's been sued numerous times as well. He's also got a history of public intoxication and violent behaviour. His son Weston has numerous arrests for domestic violence.

On balance, another one for the #DickheadDetox

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Why We Oppose Votes For Men

This keeps getting retweeted through my feed. It makes me giggle every time.

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What's at Stake: Nothing Less than the Liberation of Women

This is written as part II of Feminisms Fest: Why it Matters.

Feminism Matters.

Feminism has always mattered.

There has never been a point when feminism doesn't matter.

And, what's at stake is nothing less than the full liberation of women.

I find it incredibly sad that we are still asking this question; that the endemic nature of male violence is still so unacknowledged that we have to preface every discussion on the experience of women survivors of rape with the statement: men are victims of rape too. Feminists know this. We're the ones talking about it since the vast majority of male victims of rape are raped by other men.

Feminism matters because we are the ones naming perpetrators of all violence and are the only ones demanding they be held accountable.

Feminism matters.

Because women matter.

Because women are human too.

Rather than stating the obvious, I would rather shout out some of the amazing feminist and women's organisations doing frontline work supporting women:

• Rape Crisis England and Wales
• Rape Crisis Scotland
• Women's Aid
• Women's Aid Scotland
• Nia: Delivering Cutting Edge Services to End Violence Against Women and Children
• Million Women Rise
• Fawcett Society
• Southall Black Sisters
• Imkaan
• Reclaim the Night
• Refuge
• Women's Support Project
• Abortion Rights
• Eaves

Feminism Matters but we already knew that. 

And, a new generation of women know it too.

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Feminism and Me: Feminisms Fest 2013

I have always been a feminist. It is a label I chose for myself as a teenager, back before girl power was invented and New Kids on the Block were cool. My original feminism was about equality: women were equal to men and all we needed was the laws to force misogynists to stop being misogynists. The older I get, the more I believe that "equality" is nothing more than a smokescreen to prevent the true liberation of women [and all oppressed minorities]. Equality before the law means nothing when violence is endemic; when women are most likely to live in poverty; when no one bothers to actually enforce equality legislation. Growing up in an area of Canada where misogyny, race and class were impossible to miss but surrounded by people with serious cases of cognitive dissonance, including me, wasn't really a great place to learn about feminism. It was a great place to learn that as a middle class white woman my chances of being a victim of sexual violence were a lot lower than my aboriginal friends but that was seen as normal; not something to be upset about. I may have labeled myself a feminist but I wasn't a real feminist.

I attended my first feminist demo as a teenager in Canada. It was a sit-in protesting letters of support a few members of the local government wrote, on official letter heading, in support of a man on trial for rape: apparently, he couldn't be a rapist because they knew him. And, there was nothing inappropriate about these male politicians using their political standing to support the son of a political ally. I was too chicken to stay for the whole sit-in which lasted for a few days. That was really the only feminist activism I took part of until I was in my 30s. Mostly, because I quickly become one of those teenage girls: the ones who have babies. 

Technically, I was 19 when I had my first child and at college but that never stops the judgemental from making rude comments about how "young" I look when they see me with my teenager. I got student loans and stayed at university, eventually graduating with 4 degrees: two undergraduate and two post-graduate; all with honours. The ONLY reason I managed this was because of student loans, grants, child tax credits, subsidised child care, subsidised housing and my mother getting a substantial payout under the equal pay legislation. It was difficult never having enough money to do fun stuff with my child and rarely being able to go out because I had a 2 year old. I had a lot of amazing, supportive women friends around me [Maria, Rena, Vanessa and Catherine!] and without them I wouldn't have made it through my first degree. Over the years, I've benefited from the support of more amazing women but I took it for granted.

I was a feminist but one who lacked any kind of analysis of women as a class. I knew I couldn't have gotten through 2 undergraduate degrees without the benefit of a, still flawed, benefits system or without the equal pay settlement my mother received. It just never occurred to me to think about how privileged I was in relation to most other women. It wasn't until the Canadian and provincial governments started slashing these programs that I started thinking about feminism as a political theory [and I certainly didn't learn about it as an undergraduate!]. I started self-defining as a socialist-feminist; but I still didn't think about women in terms of an oppressed class themselves. Instead, I focused on the idea of class as a barrier for "some" women. I assumed that equal access to education would solve all women's problems.

Until two years ago, I would have still identified as a socialist-feminist. The unrelenting misogyny and rape apologism on the left made me reconsider my position as did the creation of the Feminist/ Women's Rights board on Mumsnet. The more I read on Mumsnet, the more radical my feminism became. I started reading Andrea Dworkin, Natasha Walters, Kate Millett, Susan Faludi, Susan Maushart, Ariel Levy, Gail Dines, Germaine Greer, and Audre Lorde. I started reading only fiction books written by women: Isabel Allende, Alice Walker, Maya Angelou,  Kate Mosse, Margaret Atwood, Kris Radish, Barbara Kingsolver, and Andrea Levy amongst many others. I started reading about women's lives and the power of real sisterhood. I learned about cultural femicide. 

Now, I self-define as an anti-capitalist, pro-radical feminist. I believe that feminism isn't just about equality. It's about the full liberation of ALL women from male violence. I do not believe that the liberation of women can occur whilst our capitalist structures remain. The Patriarchy predates capitalism but we can not destroy it without destroying capitalism too. 

My feminism, both the definition and activism, has changed dramatically over the past 18 years. I still don't feel a "real feminist". All I know is that I am a feminist who truly believes that women have the power to liberate all women from male violence. I've stopped believing the law can improve women's lives. Instead, I believe that women have the power to improve the lives of women: it requires listening and respect and saying sorry but we will liberate ourselves from the Patriarchy.  

This post has been written as part of Feminisms Fest 2013

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On Sisterhood: Kris Radish's The Sunday List of Dreams

I've blogged incessantly about my love for Kris Radish's My Elegant Gathering of White Snows which is fairly obvious considering I named my blog after it. I've been too scared to read anymore in case they aren't as good. I was totally wrong. I'm about 15% of the way into The Sunday List of Dreams and it is fabulous. I'll write a proper review later but I love this bit so much I had to share it now:

It is female communion. That astounding crossing of cultures and ages and time and place that wraps women together and makes them one. It is a holy moment, a sacred sharing of estrogen, a remarkable gift of love. It can happen in a public waiting room when a stranger asks another woman to hold her baby - her beautiful baby - when she needs to go to the bathroom. It can happen when you see a woman on a street corner and two guys are hassling her and you open your car door and she gets in without hesitation. It can happen when you see a woman at the grocery store crying because she is a dollar short and you pay her bill and carry her groceries to the car with kids and then slip her another 20 bucks. It can happen when you are at a play and that woman you saw arguing with that asshole man won't come out of the last toilet stall of the bathroom until you hand her some toilet paper and then she cries into your shoulder and you give her the phone number of the women's shelter. It can happen when your mother tells you about her first love and your heart stops because you realise your father was her second choice. It can happen anywhere - this female communion where women feel safe and close and absolutely as if they have touched a piece of heaven because of you. 

Is that not utterly beautiful? 

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On Being StewieGriffinsMom

Today, I learned that Seth MacFarlane hosted the Oscars last night. I  try to avoid this type of crap at all costs but its impossible to miss considering my Twitter feed is full of hatred for MacFarlane and his misogyny. Why people think he's funny is beyond me. I'm equally perplexed by the number of people who don't understand that my Mumsnet name : StewieGriffinsMom is meant, you know, ironically and not because I actually want to be defined as a "mother with no name".

Lois Griffin is the ultimate handmaiden: raised by an emotionally abusive father to serve the emotionally abusive drunk she marries. She ignores and minimises the abuse she experiences at the hands of Peter whilst simultaneously ignoring the abuse Peter commits against their children. She ignores the very clear evidence that her son Chris has quite serious difficulties in school. She ignores the fact that her daughter Meg has no friends and is being sexually abused by the mayor. She ignores the fact that the baby is a sociopath. Lois Griffin is a victim too. 

Lois Griffin is a victim too. She can not see the abuse that she and her children experience everyday at the hands of the men around them. Yet, Seth MacFarlane and the other writers of Family Guy don't understand that at all. That's why my name is "StewieGriffinsMom" and not Lois Griffin: because it doesn't matter how much abuse men perpetrate, it is always the woman who is responsible. 

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The Guardian, Reeva Steenkamp and Celebrity Culture

The Guardian is currently running a particularly distasteful article which claims that Oscar Pistorius "wants to contact" the family of Reeva Steenkamp. The only part of this article which isn't offensive is that they've actually remembered to name Reeva Steenkamp; the woman Pistorius murdered by shooting her 4 times. The fact that I am actually grateful that the Guardian remembered to name Steenkamp makes me so very angry.

Hannah Curtis wrote a very powerful blog on Steenkamp's murder and the real consequences of the media's objectification of women last week. This Guardian article is precisely what Curtis was outlining in her piece: the Guardian has just published what is effectively a PR statement which completely minimises Pistorius' responsibility for murdering Steenkamp whilst simultaneously piling the guilt onto Steenkamp's family to forgive him. 

This is not a news story. This is not about the murder of Reeva Steenkamp.  There is nothing new in this piece. We already knew that Pistorius got bail. We already knew that Pistorius' family think it was an "accident". Now, we know who Pistorius' new PR team is because, obviously, we needed to know that.

This is the hateful nature of our celebrity culture and our obsession with forgiving the violence perpetrated by male celebrities: instead of focussing on the murder of a beautiful, intelligent and amazing woman whose family and friends are desperately grieving her loss, our media is running stories written by PR firms. 

I think it's past time our celebrity-obsessed mass media culture is destroyed.

Hannah Curtis has started a petition here to force for the Sun to apologise for their disgusting coverage of the murder of Reeva Steenkamp. Please sign it.

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Silent Sunday

Today, is one of those glorious sunny days but I have no kids so I'm spending the day in bed reading lovely books and watching ridiculous movies. I forget how much alone-time spent doing nothing really can have such a positive effect on my health. It's a precious gift everyone needs.

I'm halfway through reading Rose Tremains The Way I Found Her and Barbara Kingsolver's Pigs in Heaven but I can't quite finish either because I suspect both are going to break my heart. They are utterly beautiful but I've started Kris Radish's The Sunday List of Dreams just in case. Radish's My Elegant Gathering of White Snows is one of my favourite books and I've been too afraid to read anything else by here in case I am disappointed. So far, The Sunday List of Dreams is lovely and it seems a perfect way to spend a Silent Sunday.

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The Round-Up V: Blogs I've Enjoyed This Week

The Song of Lilith at Pass the Flaming Sword

The Manketplace of Broideas at Femonade

Can Twitter Make White People Less Racist at Dogs and Shoes

Murders without Murderers: Reeva Steenkamp and the Myth of the Sudden Snap at The Gloss

No More Page 3: The Top Ten Excuses I have Heard Against Signing It at Gavel! Discuss

A Sliver of Silver in Silver Linings Playbook: A Look at Mental Illness in Film at The Feminist Wire

Sufragette Shitty at the Kraken Awakes

Sexism from "The Left": Why it has to Stop by Stavvers

The American Dream: 8 Ways the 2013 Miss America Pageant Failed at Equality at Adios Barbie

My Three Favourite Young Adult Heroines at For Books Sake

UNISON Women, the SWP, and the Vote to Support Rape Victims at Too Much to Say For Myself

Whistle While You're Groomed at You Think I Don't Understand, I just Don't Believe You.

The Legacy of Domestic Abuse at One Woman's Thoughts 

Domestic Abuse: A Guest Post at One Woman's Thoughts

An Inconvenient Truth at Bananas are Not the Only Fruit

Apparently, Go Daddy has auctioned off the domain name for RadFem Hub. There is a webarchive of it here.

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Barbara Kingsolver's The Poisonwood Bible

The Poisonwood Bible was the most recommended book on the Mumsnet Feminist Book Club board when I started my #readingonlybookswrittenbywomen. Honestly, you'd think I'd admitted to kicking puppies for shits and giggles due to the level of shock by my admittance that I hadn't read it.

For those heretics who have not yet read it, The Poisonwood Bible is the story of an American family who travel to the Congo as missionaries in 1959. The father is an emotionally abusive, misogynistic and racist evangelical Baptist who drags his wife and 4 daughters across the planet in order to "save the savages through Christ". He's an arsehole whose arrogance tears his family apart. The redemption of his daughters in postcolonial Africa is the story of women paying for the crimes of men but it's also the story of sisterhood and the binds of family that tie us together. 

I could go on forever blathering about my love for this book but the best review was from a woman sitting near me on train who told me she was jealous that I was reading it for the first time. Now, I feel the same. I am jealous of those just reading it for the first time.

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Marie-Louise Gay's Stella and Sam

Marie-Louise Gay's Stella and Sam series are some of my favourite children's stories. I love Stella's imagination and her utter joy at life. I love the simplicity of Stella and Sam playing together and the beautiful stories Stella tells Sam: about being Star of the Sea, Queen of the Snow, Fairy of the Forest and Princess of the Sky. I love Sam's never-ending questions and his innocent trust in the infinite knowledge of his big sister.

These books are the celebration of the real beauty in the relationships of siblings (when they aren't arguing over whose turn it is to clean the hamster cage or empty the dishwasher) but also how powerful the gift of imagination truly is. 

Needless to say, we own them all. :)

(image reproduced from here)

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#DickheadDetox : Jack Nicholson

Until now, the only thing I knew about Jack Nicholson is that he dates very young women [hello creepy] and it was in his house, whilst he was present, that Roman Polanski raped a child. I think it's safe to say he's not a nice man. I've read rumours linking him to domestic violence and sexual assault. He's also pro-life.

Yesterday, @smashthep tweeted a link to a Guardian article in 2000 detailing a lawsuit alleging a physical assault by Nicholson on a prostitute:

That aging Lothario Jack Nicholson has been hit with a lawsuit alleging that he promised a prostitute $1,000 for sex and then assaulted her when she asked for the money. Catherine Sheehan has already received a £32,000 settlement from Nicholson, but now insists that that sum is insufficient and that her injuries from the incident are "actually killing her."

According to the lawsuit, the star invited Sheehan and a friend to his home on October 12, 1996. He offered each woman $1,000 to wear "little black dresses" and engage in sex acts with him. But Nicholson later became "loud and abusive", commenting that he would never pay anyone for sex, as he could "get anyone he wanted as a sexual partner." Sheehan claims that Nicholson promptly grabbed her hair, thumped her head on the floor, and then threw her out of his house.

Justifying the complaint, Sheehan's lawyer Ira Chester says, "about a year after she received the original payment her injuries and the damage to her brain stem got worse than originally thought. Now the injury is actually killing her. She has no vision at times and finds it hard to cope with the pain... The medical bills have already reached $60,000, but if she is to survive she needs an important operation... The original settlement isn't enough."

The lawsuit joins a long list of complaints filed against the hell-raising 63-year-old - the oddest of which saw Nicholson accused, in 1996, of rupturing a woman's breast implants. 

So, Jack Nicholson definitely a contender for the #dickheaddetox

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I am going to RadFem 20123.

I've been worrying all week about writing this post. It feels dishonest not to write it but, at the same time, I find the anger that labelling oneself a Radical Feminst induces frightening. I have a half-finished blog post on my thoughts on radical feminism, socialism, and intersectionality that I actually don't want to finish writing because I would feel obligated to publish it and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. At the same time, it does feel like lying not to state that I label myself an anti-capitalist pro-radical feminist [anti-capitalist because I refuse to use the label socialist considering the endemic misogyny within the socialist movement that we're all supposed to pretend doesn't exist and pro-radical because I don't feel radical enough to call myself a radical feminism but that is mostly because of my anxiety than not being a radical feminist]. Just writing this is making me nauseous. 

But this is me trying to be honest.

I am going to RadFem 2013. 

I want to go to RadFem 2013. It is important to me for all the reasons outlined here on Sisterhood is Powerful. This is something I need to do for me. I understand that this means that some women whose opinions I respect will block me on twitter or unfriend me on Facebook and that makes me really very sad. I just don't want to lie about who I really am and I am an anti-capitalist, pro-radical feminist. 



My comments policy is here. Please read before posting comments.

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A Personal Account of Domestic Violence

I am publishing this on behalf of a friend who wishes to remain anonymous; as does her friend she is writing about: 

My friend Anna’s criminal case against her violent husband has been dismissed. He was expected to at least have some sort of community service, a fine and probably some sort of restitution, but he walked away without even a caution.

Anna, my friend since university, told me about a year ago that her marriage was going through a rough patch. She made light of it on the phone, in her upbeat way, but wanted me to come and visit. For lots of reasons, I wasn’t able to manage it, and feel dreadful about this. She told me later that he had violently attacked her. I am not even bothering to qualify this statement with an explanation of how they got to this stage or belittle it by adding that it was a petty argument. He violently attacked her. She managed to get him to back off, and she went to her bedroom armed with her mobile phone and a chair to blockade the door. She said that she almost stepped outside herself and saw herself as this woman whose spirit was finally knocked out of her and she was a shadow of her former self. From confident woman having lots of warm artistic friends living in a great studio in New York and doing work she enjoyed to this frightened-to-go-downstairs woman.

She called the police who responded within a few minutes. Her husband was found barely conscious on the couch, and deemed not to be in any fit state to do much of anything. She went to a hotel that night, and the next morning, he was full of apologies.

The violence didn’t stop. And here was the dilemma for Anna; some of it was so covert that it made her wonder whether she was imagining it. For instance, they entertained quite a bit, and he would do the cooking, mainly as he was a control freak and didn’t trust her to do it ‘properly.’ She would be carrying a plate of food and he would ‘accidently’ trip her. Usually it was in front of other people who would all jump to his defence that it was an accident.

In his more sober moments, he would articulate how unhappy he had become, and wanted out of the marriage. While she didn’t disagree, they had decided to discuss it when their youngest started university. It seemed tolerable and finite; they had separate bedrooms, their own cars, friends and their paths would barely cross.

He started posting on a singles website, initially in Anna’s words, ‘discretely’ as if she didn’t mind as long as he didn’t flaunt it. And then he started being more and more disrespectful, including inviting girlfriends to their house.

And then around this time last year, he attacked her again violently. She called the police and this time he spent a night in the cells. He was charged with assault and battery. He claims not to remember any of it. He wasn’t allowed to return to the family home.

Several months later the case was due to be heard at Magistrate’s Court. She had visited the courtroom and explained how the process worked. She opted to give her evidence via a video link so she wouldn’t have to be in the same courtroom as her husband and his family. She was understandably nervous and scared. And then the case was adjourned. In total the case has been adjourned 3 times for administrative reasons such as previous cases running over, lawyers having other cases.

Last week, the case was due to be heard again, or rather for the first time since he attacked her a year ago. Since this time, she and her husband via their lawyers reached an out of court financial settlement to finalize the divorce, their children are starting to be less traumatized and time has moved forward, although the scars run deep. Her youngest son who witnessed the violence declined his offer at university as he didn’t want to leave his mother vulnerable. Despite her assurances that she would be fine, he has taken a year out, suffers panic attacks and is not sure that he wants to study medicine as he can’t concentrate.

Anna told me that the reason she initially wanted to tell her story in court was so that the, ‘legal position’ reflected what was done to her. After a year however she just wanted to put it all behind her and was exhausted physically and mentally.

The legal system really let her down. It shouldn’t take over a year to hear a case of domestic violence, keeping in mind that this was a case the CPS were actually willing to prosecute. Maybe domestic violence cases should be fast tracked, or somehow highlighted for special attention.

I don’t know the answer, but Anna’s ex husband apparently was seen celebrating at a local pub drinking champagne in the evening after the case was dismissed.

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#DickheadDetox : Cee Lo Green and that pesky issue of VAW

Last week, Tilly Jean wrote a fabulous critique of Cee Lo Green's Forget You  and the unrelenting misogyny in the song. I can not describe how much I loathe men who toss around the word "goldigger".  Just bleurgh.

Tilly Jean's blog fired a synapse in my brain and I thought I remembered Green recently being arrested for VAW. I was wrong. He has multiple arrests for VAW : threatening his then wife in 2001 and rearrested for skipping his court appearance two months later. He was sentenced to 12 months probation after being charged with "simple assault" (domestic violence) and disorderly conduct. He was also required to attend domestic violence counselling. She filed for divorce in 2004 citing "mental and physical cruelty". 

Green was also subject to a sexual battery investigation in 2012. And, there was this charming incident in July 2011.

I'd trawl for more but all the links keep taking me to Perez Hilton and TMZ and I'm pretty much opposed to reading their shite at the best of times. It is somewhat, erm, ironic? depressing? soul-destroyin that researching violence against women perpetrated by male celebrities gets more coverage in gossip mags than in the mainstream media. 

But, Cee Lo Green: on the #dickheaddetox list. 

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#Dickheaddetox : Jeremy Irons Supporting Child Rape

Turns out Jeremy Irons is a creep who belongs in the #Dickheaddetox too. Apparently, women should feel honoured by middle aged men perving all over them and teenage girls shouldn't be encouraged to feel like "victims" when raped by creepy old men. Bleurgh.

Read more here and here. 

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Don' cha Wish Your Girlfriend: Reinforcing the Patriarchal Fuckability Test

I loathe the PussyCat Dolls' "Dontcha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me". Lyrically, it's a master-class in woman-blaming culture and passing the Patriarchal Fuckability Test. This just got retweeted into my TL and I love it:

Pony Pony Tangerina‏@ColeyTangerina: DONTCHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS uninterested in competitive beauty standards that undermine the solidarity women need to end patriarchy.

Blondie are the same. The lyrics of some of their biggest hits are about being desperate for a man; especially a man in a relationship with another woman. There is nothing powerful or liberating about hurting another woman and the lyrics in these types of songs both encourage the myth that women need a man all the time and that the only way for women to have any value is if a man wants to fuck them. 

The Patriarchal Fuckability Test is dangerous for all women. The "you need a man to be complete" is equally dangerous. We need to stop purchasing music which encourages these myths, even if they are sung by women.

The lyrics are below: 

Don't Cha"
(feat. Busta Rhymes)

[Busta Rhymes]
OK (ahh)
Yeah (ahh)
Oh, we about to get it just a lil hot and sweaty in this mu'fucka (oh, baby)
Ladies let's go (uhh)
Soldiers let's go (dolls)
Let me talk to y'all and just you know
Give you a little situation... listen (fellas)

[Buster Rhymes]
Pussycat Dolls
Ya see this shit get hot
Everytime I come through when I step up in the spot (are you ready)
Make the place sizzle like a summertime cookout
Prowl for the best chick
Yes I'm on the lookout (let's dance)
Slow banging shorty like a belly dancer with it
Smell good, pretty skin, so gangsta with it (oh, baby)
No tricks only diamonds under my sleeve
Gimme the number
But make sure you call before you leave

[Pussycat Dolls]
I know you like me (I know you like me)
I know you do (I know you do)
That's why whenever I come around
She's all over you (she's all over you)
I know you want it (I know you want it)
It's easy to see (it's easy to see)
And in the back of your mind
I know you should be on with me (babe)

[Chorus:]
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don't cha?
Don't cha?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Don't cha?
Don't cha?

Fight the feeling (fight the feeling)
Leave it alone (leave it alone)
'Cause if it ain't love
It just ain't enough to leave my happy home (my happy home)
Let's keep it friendly (let's keep it friendly)
You have to play fair (you have to play fair)
See I don't care
But I know she ain't gonna wanna share

[Chorus:]
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don't cha?
Don't cha?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Don't cha?
Don't cha?

[Busta Rhymes]
OK, I see how it's goin' down (ahh, don't cha)
Seems like shorty wanna little menage pop off or something (let's go)
Well let me get straight to it
Every broad wan watch a nigga when I come through it
It's the god almighty, looking all brand new
If shorty wanna jump in my ass then vanquish
Looking at me all like she really wanna do it
Tryna put it on me till my balls black an blueish
Ya wanna play wit ah playa girl then play on
Strip out the Chanel
And leave the lingerie on
Watch me and I'mma watch you at the same time
Looking at ya wan break my back
You're the very reason why I keep a pack ah the Magnum
An wit the wagon hit chu in the back of tha magnum
For the record, don't think it was something you did
Shorty all on me cause it's hard to resist the kid
I got a idea that's dope for y'all
As y'all could get so I could hit the both of y'all

[Pussycat Dolls] 

I know she loves you (I know she loves you) 

I understand (I understand) 

I'd probably be just as crazy about you 

If you were my own man 

Maybe next lifetime (maybe next lifetime) 

Possibly (possibly) 

Until then old friend 

Your secret is safe with me 

[Chorus:] 

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? 

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? 

Don't cha? 

Don't cha? 

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me? 

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me? 

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Nick Cave is a Better Feminist than Feminists

Obviously, the Nick Cave is a better feminists than feminists theory has been around for a while. He was blithering on about it in an interview in New York Mag in 2010. This is the full quote:

You write a lot about sexual neurosis, which has gotten you into some trouble. Do you consider yourself a feminist?  

Well, I don’t consider myself not one. I’m not a misogynist, so you can dispense with that. I think I’ve done wonders for the feminist movement. I get criticized for a lot of what I write about, but as far as I’m concerned I’m actually standing up and having a look at what goes on in the minds of men, and I have the authority to talk about it because I’m a man. Women don’t have the authority because they don’t know what goes on in a man’s head, so largely what they say is kind of irrelevant. My songs and stories and books are character-driven, they talk about the way people are and the way men are and women are. I’m actually confronting certain issues that some women appear to feel are now redundant.

Bless his little socks. What we think about what goes on in men's heads is irrelevant. I'm glad he thinks that because he won't like what I'm thinking right now. And, I'm sure he understands that I know what he thinks about women is complete twaddle: sexist twaddle at that. I do like the arrogance of Cave's being able to understand what women "are" when women are too incapable of understanding men.

Yep, nothing inherently problematic or anti-feminist with that piece of nincompoopery at all.

And, now, Cave has an awesome new album cover to prove his feminist credentials. One which does not objectify women's bodies in any way. After all, it's totally normal for men to be fully clothed whilst women are naked. And, it's totally normal for the man to be clearly ordering the woman from the room whilst the woman looks ashamed. Covering her face and breasts while displaying her vulva just looks pretty. Or, something.

Normally, this kind of crap bypasses me. I only came across it via Media through a Feminist Lens. I've read a huge chunk of the discussion of this album cover on Nick Cave's FB wall and all I can say is that is full of dingbats and nincompoops. This, however, is the best 'how to miss the point completely comment' by one of his fans on his FB wall: 

"How about waiting to listen to the album BEFORE you decide the image is offensive?"

Honestly, I had to read it about six times before I actually got that the quote was as dim as I thought. I had no idea my listening skills were required to analyse an image. 

You learn something new everyday.

[I am aware that the image is that of Cave's wife. I think that makes it creepier personally but it's the construction of clothed, powerful man and naked, shamed woman which I find so utterly Patriarchal and unpleasant.]

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#DickheadDetox:Edward Furlong is Back in Prison

Edward Furlong was jailed on Friday. The Daily Mail is reporting that his arrest follows a violation of his probation following his breach of a restraining order taken out by his ex-wife in 2010.  EOnline and TMZ both claim he was jailed for breaching his probation after breaching a protection order taken out by his ex-girlfriend who was arrested for assaulting in October 2012 and January of this year.

Furlong will remain in jail until a review of his probation violation on March 4.

Whatever the precise reason for revoking Furlong's probation, why was it not revoked following the assault in October against his now ex-girlfriend? Surely, physically assaulting another woman constitutes a violation of probation? Why was a man with a clear history of domestic violence and substance abuse not locked up immediately after violating his probation?

And, how many restraining orders need to be taken out on one man by different woman before he ends up in prison?

Story reported here in Digital Spy, LAist, and and Perez Hilton.

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Rape Victims Deserve Anonymity. Not rapists.

(Image from here)

I don't know why we keep having to have this conversation. Anyone with an ounce of common sense and compassion should understand why rape victims deserve anonymity and why men charged with rape, like people charged with any other crime, do not deserve anonymity. But, it's come up. Again. This time the issue was raised by Maura McGowan, who is chairman of the Bar Council of England and Wales. I would have thought that the chairman of the Bar Council might have a passing knowledge of why granting anonymity to defendants in rape cases is wrong but clearly I assumed too much.

So, this is my response. Again.

Rape victims deserve anonymity.

Rapists do not.

Giving rapists anonymity puts more women in danger of rape. 

It is that simple. 

sianushka tweeted these links earlier today: 

• Early Day Motion 105: Anonymity for Defendants in Rape Cases
• Anonymity in Rape Cases: Commons Library Standard Note
• Anonymity for Rape Defendants by Vera Baird
• Shadow of the Noose

All are worth reading. Her blog is here. 

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The Round-Up IV: Blogs I've enjoyed this week

These are blogs I've read this week. Some are new and some are old but they've all made me think.

The Top 50 Influential Women Writers from For Books Sake: Books By and For Independent Women

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit by Shakesville

The Politics of Selling African Art Mostly Collected During the Colonial Era to Private Collectors (Netherlands) by Africa is a Country

Sex and Feminism: Who is Being Silenced by Adriene Sere for Said It

Gynocide: The Holocaust of Women by Pass the Flaming Sword

#IBelieveHer: In Which the Daily Mail Forgets They're Talking About a Nine Year Old Rape Survivor by Frothy Dragon and the Patriarchal Stone

Movement vs Dance Routines: On One Billion rising by Carolyn Gage

Another Sunday morning under the patriarchy by Sisterhood is Powerful

Only 9 Months to Save a Life by HerbsandHags

Her Name Was Reeva Steenkamp by Sian and Crooked Rib

Sports Illustrated Joins the Cultural Appropriation Bandwagon: by Angry Asian Man

Courting Controversy by the Kraken Awakes

Be My Flipping Valentine by Exiled Stardust

What Model Poses Would Look Like in Real Life

Hugo Schwyzer is not a feminist via Zeeblebum

A Short List of Celebrities who beat or rape women by SonofBaldwin

Celebrities that support Polanski

No Such Thing as Misandry by Femonade

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The Mommy Blogger: Apparently, they're Destroying Feminism

(Image from here)

This morning I awoke to discover that the real problem with feminism right now is Mommy Bloggers; not male violence against women, endemic poverty, the destruction of reproductive rights or the fact that we still don't have equal pay for equal work despite the legislation being in place for years. Nope, it's Mommy Bloggers who are ruining feminism for feminists.

Now, I do disagree with Amana Manori's definition of feminism as I don't think "feminism is simply the belief in the equality of rights and opportunities for men and women". For me, feminism is nothing short of the full liberation of women. Equal rights and opportunities for women can not exist in a world where male violence against women is so common place that it rarely makes the news. I don't like the idea of "choice" feminism because it removes women's actual experiences from the Patriarchal-Capitalist structures of our culture. The idea of choice is irrelevant when many women experience violence on a daily basis and others live in poverty.

Manori's definition is that of choice feminism, yet she's written an article denigrating the choices of other women. I genuinely don't know where to start with this article because there is so much wrong with it: starting with the premise that it's okay to belittle other women's work. I don't care what definition of feminism you are using, it is never okay to belittle other women's work nor their personal life experiences. Criticise the structures which limit women's opportunities and blame women for not being perfect but dismissing Mommy Blogs isn't feminism. It's the Patriarchy kicking women. Again.

Frankly, this is just wrong:

Some of the biggest hurdles in the strides for equal opportunity include women and their issues being improperly depicted and the lack of self-promotion that affects recognition and access to opportunities. What I've noticed is that when women are not being misrepresented, they are often underselling themselves. The blogosphere is as an amazing tool that is easily accessible to help correct these problems: self-promotion has never been easier.

The biggest hurdles for women are male violence. And, our "issues being improperly depicted" completely misses the point of the Patriarchy. The Patriarchy doesn't care about how women's issues are depicted because it doesn't care about women's issues. That's kind of the point. As for women "underselling themselves", well yes, that happens a lot. Why? Because the moment women talk about their skills accurately they are insulted, denigrated and maligned. Women are socialised from birth to minimise our skills. How about we blame the Patriarchal structures which punish women rather than blaming women for not wanting to suffer public humiliation?

And, I'm sorry but this bit is offensive:

Mommy blogs that present neurotic, emotionally unstable, kid-crazed mothers, is a misuse of this opportunity. What concerns me the most is that this is a misuse at the hands of women themselves -- we, ourselves, are the ones that are turning this tool into another obstacle to progression.

There is no excuse for using disablist language. There's no excuse for not recognising that women can be mothers and mentally ill and feminists. The three are not mutually exclusive but that's not what Manori means. She's using disablist language as shorthand for dismissing the group of women who happen to want to write about being mothers.

Of course, Manori tries to minimise this woman-blaming discourse by separating "good" Mummy Bloggers from "bad" Mummy Bloggers. She doesn't succeed. Instead, she reinforces the same anti-woman Patriarchal bullshit that feminists have been fighting against for years. There is no excuse for this kind of woman-blaming rhetoric. Women blog because it's one of the only spaces women have to share their stories, their thoughts and their lives without being silenced and dismissed. We blog about different things because women are different. I blog about feminism. I have friends who blog about parenting, others who blog about living overseas, and some who blog about sports. We have different interests so we blog about different things. Dismissing one group of women bloggers by patronising them with this twaddle:

(t)hese bloggers likely have the noble intentions to create a forum where women know that they are not alone in their experiences.

isn't feminism. Blaming women for what they write about isn't feminism. Telling women what to write about is the Patriarchy exerting control. It isn't feminism. It is blaming women for having opinions and thoughts.

Sure, some of these blogs are problematic in that they "perpetuate gender stereotypes and generalize female behaviour". So does the mainstream media. Every fucking day. And, they are a lot more powerful than a bunch of women bloggers. How about we start focusing our anger on the mainstream media since they are the ones supporting the eroticisation and glamorisation of male violence against women?

This bit is just facile nonsense. 

First, many mommy bloggers may be living very fulfilling and well-rounded lives that you don't get to see through their blogs. However, when all they talk about is such things as making homemade organic-only baby food, they disregard these other aspects of their lives resulting in a partial portrayal of motherhood.

Women who blog about parenting do so because that is what they want to write about. Requiring them to write about everything else in their life ignores the fact that they want to write about parenting and making organic-only baby food. I don't because it doesn't interest me. But, it also doesn't make me feel like a bad mother to read that other mothers do like making organic baby-food; another charge Manori lays at the feet of Mommy Bloggers. They don't "isolate other mothers who don't measure up". The Patriarchy isolates women because women supporting women is a massive threat to Patriarchal control.

And, frankly, if the "rest of society" reads Mommy Blogs and decides that the "life of a woman is simplifed", then they are stupid. No one with an ounce of sense reads a blog and thinks that's the only thing that the blogger has going for them. FFS, I've seen blogs by men dedicated solely to the meat pie. Does Manori genuinely believe that meat pies are the only thing these men having going for them?

Unfortunately, Manori may think this is not what she has done:

I am not saying being a mother or a stay-at-home mom is not meaningful work. I respect the choice to stay home and I understand the many reasons why women opt to do so. I also know that there are a lot of sacrifices and compromises that are made when women decide to stay home.

But, it is. After all, I've never read a Mommy Blogger who didn't work since, you know, childcare is work. Some, shockingly, even work outside the home. Fundamentally, though, childcare is work and we devalue the experience of all women when we claim it isn't. It isn't about being a SAHM or a WOHM. It is about recognising that childcare is work. 

After all, I want my daughter to have positive women role-models in her life: women who don't think they have the right to dictate how other women should live their lives or think they have they right to tell women which of their stories are acceptable for publication. 

Requiring Mommy Bloggers to be "domestic trailblazers" is just unkind. And, it's not feminism. So, let's stop pretending it is. 

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@planetpavs on VAW: These are her words, not mine!

I tweeted this last night and it got massively retweeted as if the words were mine: 

"If women could end #VAWG by themselves, we'd have done it by now. Men must stand up, your silence = complicity." 

They aren't. It was the lovely Planet Pavs who wrote it. I just retweeted it unthinkingly without her name attached. 

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Another Celebrity has been arrested for child rape.

And, all I can think is "wow, ITV are actually removing Michael Le Vell from Coronation Street pending the outcome of the trial". Seriously, how fucked up is that? My first response is that a major television program is taking an actual stance on a man charged with child rape. I thought they'd go for the old "we can't possibly say or do anything until a conviction has been secured" twaddle which let's rapists get away with rape. 

Le Vell has actually  been charged with 19 sexual offences including one count of child rape, indecently assaulting a child and sexual activity with a child. Obviously, I await with glee the rape apologists whining about poor ickle Michael being held accountable for his crime.

The BBC story is here.

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