Things I Never Needed to Know as a Mother.

You can wash the inside of Barbie's pink VW bug with a toothbrush after an entire can of Vimto was spilt in it and left to fester for several weeks. 

Things  you should get told in advance:

1. The tooth fairy can write post-dated cheques.
2. The cat will enjoy being dressed in Cinderella's wedding dress complete with tiara by a small child. The cat will not enjoy having the outfit removed by an adult.
3. Cats should be declawed. 
4. Never take your children to an art gallery or they will start trying to charge you to enter your own living room. Grandma and assorted neighbours will think this is hilarious and encourage them.
5. Banksy is an extremely badly behaved young man who will be using his allowance to pay to clean his "art" off walls for ever and will never ever get to eat another oreo cookie. Ever. 
6. My teddy bears are having a treasure hunt is code for: I've just buried all of your credit and bank cards in various plant pots. 
7. The headteacher lacks imagination is code for: we were playing mountain climbing and I got busted two stories up free climbing a drain pipe. 
8. If you discover the dish rack covered in potatoes, it's best just to stick the potatoes in the compost. You really don't need to know why the potatoes needed to be washed.
9. Lego can be washed in the dishwasher, although be fair to the children, it was the cat peeing on an entire bucket of lego which taught me this lesson.